Harry Potter Jokes!
I write a lot of Harry Potter Jokes on my blog so now I can put them all in one place!
Harry Potter and the Winnie the Pooh.
Harry Potter and the Poohlosopher’s Stone
Harry Potter and the Chambeeyore of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Kangaban
Harry Potter and the Piglet of Fire
Harry Potter and the Owlder of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Heffa-Lump Prince
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hundred Acre Woods
No Squibs by TLC
I don’t want no squib,
A squib is a guy that can’t get no love from me,
Hanging in the passenger seat,
Of his friend’s Cleansweep,
Tryna get hallows from me.
A squib is a guy that can’t get no love from me,
Hanging in the passenger seat,
Of his friend’s Cleansweep,
Tryna get hallows from me.
Top Ten Harry Potter Deleted Characters
- Inida Longbottom - Neville’s Skinny Aunty
- Mike Umbridge - Dolores’ Hunky Son
- Ceasar Black - Sirius’ Racist Brother
- Donkey Tonks - Nymphadora’s Ass-hole Pet
- Amanda Lovegood - Luna’s Needy Mother
- Aida Krum - Viktor’s Fat Sister
- Luce Chang - Cho’s Poor Father
- Parker Fudge - Corneilius’ Gay Uncle
- Flo Weasley - Ginny’s Moody Grandmother
- Mustapha Wood - Oliver’s Horny Cousin
Concering this blog and the Harry Potter Facks blog.
This is aimed at the people who have been reblogging my stuff on these 2 blogs and abusing me/paying me out to their followers. If you don’t do this then this little speech isn’t aimed at you, however, as a disclaimer to these blogs, reading this may not hurt.
A lot of the jokes WILL be cheeky and borderline offensive. I WILL use colourful language or humour and you as the reader have two choices. And I will not apologise for being liberal with my humour.
You can learn to laugh at yourselves and life’s foibles OR you can reblog my stuff and accuse me of racism without having the balls to say it to my face.
Those who know me and follow my personal blog know one important thing about me: How much I love the WHOLE WORLD and the people in it- DESPITE ranting about it’s economical/sociological state on occasions. My blog is filled with foreign language music, which is more than I can say for the people who have recently accused me of racism. I am also a homosexual and therefore any “offensive to gays” jokes that people are saying I’m writing, are aimed squarely at MY community. Just because I am able to laugh at myself and you cannot do not think you can bring me down publicly and that I will sit back and take it. And anyways: SINCE WHEN DID I CALL YOU “STRAIGHTS”? We don’t, so call us “gays” and I’ll call you “the un-gays”. Basically I don’t appreciate the accusations by hypocrites besides the initial accusation.
I have also thought that race/nationality/skin colour is something to be proud of, not something to be so ashamed of you can’t have a laugh about your own accent or country or skin colour. Racism comes from HATRED, since when did loving accents mean hatred?
Nothing in this world is funny. Which is why everything needs to be. And I’m not talking about laughing when someone gets cancer, I’m talking about making that cancer patient laugh to show they still can. Humour as healing. For there is a line with who your audience is/what’s said. But mainly I mean being able to laugh with ourselves, and not in a mockingly hateful way, but in an confident, comfortable way to show that we are proud of ourselves and strong enough to be the butt of a joke once in a while. For it’s a confident man who can be the butt of the joke but it’s the smart man who wrote it in the first place.
So, having said all this overly-gratuitous stuff which none of you probably have any idea about what I’m saying, then know this;
If you are EVER in ANY doubt about where my jokes are coming from (ignorance over education) just remember 2 things; A. I’m 15 years older (I’m 28) than most of my followers so if you have something to say; this isn’t high school, come and say it to me personally and respectfully and I will respect you back with an explanation. And B. If you think I’m racist or homophobic, then check out my personal blog and THEN make up your mind. I am a single gay father who is comfortable with my sexuality and I won’t have any PC wankers telling me that I am not allowed to be. If they are offended by something then that is their prerogative to learn not to be so sensitive in a world that, ultimately, will be mean and cruel and it’s jokes won’t be coming from the same place of ‘love’ that mine are.
Having said that, with such a great response to the core of my blog, the pressure is on for me to live up to the standard that has been set for me. By both you guys and I. I am lucky I don’t get stage fright.
The only thing I will apologise for is the fact that I have been brought to the point where I have felt the need to ruin this blog’s flow and justify my sense of humour when none of these people have had the common decency to check out to see if I am a racist, instead they have gone and advertised to their followers that I am so all those people will also immediately judge me, and quite frankly, ‘fair go’, ya know?
- radiobenji.tumblr.com
PS and none of the jokes, NONE of them are AVPM references, that was a tribute to Narnia and Narnia alone, so if you wanna talk about offensive, let’s go, bro.
And so it came to pass, that JK Rowling opened up her little Pottermore website, and nobody left it, and everybody came to it. And she successfully took over the world, one fan-girl at a time.
(Source: radiobenji)
“What do you call Harry Potter Lego?”
— Harry Blocker
Protect your Knuts…
“What is Rubeus Hagrid’s favourite book?”
— The Grawps of Wrath
4 Triwizard Champions, 8 Letters in Hogwarts, 15 July: DH2, 16 Year Old Tom in the Diary, 23 Hours until DH2 opens in USA, 42 Useless posts detailing the fecking numbers in Harry Potter.
(Source: radiobenji)
“What cereal do Wizards eat?”
— Drac-O’s.
“So if Voldemort has no nose… how does he smell?”
— Like roses.
“What’s Hermione Granger’s favourite biscuits?”
— Gingernuts
“How does Albus get into Hogwarts?”
— Through the Dumble Door.
A Hogwarts Love Story
You know the one, that ends like this,
Boy meets Girl and then they kiss?
Yeah, nah, that’s not this of course…,
Cause Umbridge met a Man-like Horse.
He has muscles, thick as bricks,
Not to mention, the size of his…,
Sick, you might, think these lovers,
But Firenze is a beast, under the covers.
Boy meets Girl and then they kiss?
Yeah, nah, that’s not this of course…,
Cause Umbridge met a Man-like Horse.
He has muscles, thick as bricks,
Not to mention, the size of his…,
Sick, you might, think these lovers,
But Firenze is a beast, under the covers.
Draco and Ginny
Playing Quidditch, is so fun,
But it hurts, poor Draco’s bum.
He needs a broom, that’s soft but skinny,
“That looks good”, He now rides Ginny.
But it hurts, poor Draco’s bum.
He needs a broom, that’s soft but skinny,
“That looks good”, He now rides Ginny.
A million fans lost and lonely, in a pool of their own tears at the end of Deathly Hallows 2…
COME BAAAAAAACK!!!
If Harry Potter Were… An Excruciating Emopera
-SNAPE-
—The Emopera—
Original London Cast Album
Act One:
- Lonely As A Half-Blood Prince (In The Magic Month of May) - Severus & Enesmble
- Lily In A Lullaby - Severus and Petunia
- Pardon My Greasy Hair (First Day at Hogwarts) - Full Cast
- Death Eater Fever - Slytherins
- Where Does My Potion Flow? Part 1 - Severus and Horace Slughorn
- Les Snaperables - Lily & James and Snape
- Maybe Murder Those Marauders - Severus and The Marauders
- Pardon My Greasy Hair (Graduation) - Full Cast
- Eavesdroppin’ In The Hog’s/The Prophecy - Severus, Albus & Sybill and Voldemort
- I Signed Her Death Away - Severus and Albus
Act Two:
- Where Does My Potion Flow? Part 2 - Severus and Ensemble
- And Ginger Makes Three - Severus, Harry, Hermione & Ronald and Ensemble
- What I Do For You - Severus and Slytherins
- Siriusly, He’s Back (The Page 394 Fanfare) - Severus, Sirius, Remus and Male Ensemble
- Moody’s Blues - Mad-Eye Moody, Igor Karkaroff, Albus and Severus
- What I Do For You (Reprise) - Severus and Voldemort
- Snape’s Escape - Severus, Harry and Hogwarts Faculty
- Sad Sack Of Snape (What I Did For You) - Severus and Harry
- Take My Prophecy - Severus, Harry, Lily and Female Ensemble
- Finale (There Did My Potion Flow) - Full Cast
My Deathly Hallows Part 2 Reactions
2 Hours Before Film:
1 Hour Before Film:
Traveling to Cinema:
Lining up for my popcorn and choc top:
Snagging the best seat:
Watching the Previews, anticipating movie:
Lights down, Warner Brothers logo up:
Gringott’s Coaster:
Scary-Ass Albino Dragon:
Flying across England:
Dumbledore’s Backstory:
Getting Back to Hogwarts:
Seeing Neville and Luna:
Hunting for Horcruxes:
Snape’s Backstory:
Harry Walks to Death:
Neville Kicks Snake Butt:
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT:
Dead Voldy is Dead:
Epilogue:
The sudden realization that it’s all over:
(Source: radiobenji, via dracomalfoyismybitch)
Top 10 Banned Spells at Hogwarts…
- Insitgogo! - Wizard Viagra
- Madidusolo! - Spell to give wet-willies
- Datitorapido! - Date-rape spell
- Coactum-Rununium! - Teacher laxatives
- Tremo Tempro! - Make one hit themselves (Stop hitting yourself-stop hitting yourself…)
- Infestus Herpus! - Give enemy aggressive herpes
- Phallingo Pingo! - Draw penises on high ceilings
- Ebullio Puga Pyga! - Enlarge someone’s bum
- Anullolo Incommododo! - Give wedgies to first years
- Valde-Extollo! - Penis enlargement
If Harry Potter 5 Were… A Horrible Hollywood Movie
- Sirius Black: Sean Penn
- Remus Lupin: Greg Kinnear
- Molly Weasley: Julianne Moore
- Arthur Weasley: Carrot Top
- Rubeus Hagrid: Mike Myers
- Luna Lovegood: a Fanning child (maybe Idaho, is she one?)
- Lucius Malfoy: Johnny Depp
- Severus Snape: Crispin Glover
- Mad-Eye Moody: Bruce Willis
- Sybill Trelawney: Jennifer Coolidge
- Albus Dumbledore: Clint Eastwood
- Minerva McGonagall: Betty White
- Dolores Umbridge: John Travolta
- Lord Voldemort: Michael Jackson
- Thestrals: Uma Thurman & Sarah Jessica Parker
Coming soon to a Multiplex near YOU.
A:
Knock, knock.
B:
Who's there?
A:
You Know.
B:
You Know who?
-
A:
EXPELLIARMUS!
Top 10 Rejected Subjects At Hogwarts
- Defense Against The Dark Arse
- Uno 101
- Decapitation
- Advanced Trolling
- Squib-Sex Education
- Care For Magical Geriatrics
- Synchronized Swimming
- American History
- Advanced Mime
- Fight Club
“What do you call a dead Dark Lord?”
— Lord Voldemorgue
I’ve always found it strange that she’s Mrs Norris… and not a single lady cat Ms. or Miss… Filch, you dirty bastard…
(Source: livebloggingharrypotter)
Top 10 Nicknames for… Harry Potter!
- Spotty Geek
- Haggy Ponger
- Fruit Loop
- The Boy Who Whinged
- Herpie Potter
- Sicktits Potter
- QuidditchBitch
- Hazza Poofter
- Lord Harold Runtikins
- Lego-Man
If you farted around Lord Voldemort… would he be able to smell it?
(Source: livebloggingharrypotter)
A:
Knock, knock.
B:
Who's there?
A:
Gringott's.
B:
Gringott's who?
-
A:
Grin gotts what Grin wants.
Top 10 Signs You’re A Muggle…
- Tickling your books soothes nobody.
- Staircases only move when drunk.
- You get splinters from riding a broom.
- People refer to you as “The Wizard".
- Your last ‘Expelliarmus’ was from school.
- You can’t turn your pet into anything but traumatized.
- You believe Criss Angel: Mind Wank.
- Cleaning your wand leads to happy
hourminute. - Being the ‘Chaser’ gets you arrested for stalking.
- You’re reading this list.
Top 10 Mistakes Made On Your First Day at Hogwarts.
- Pissing on the Whomping Willow.
- Rubbing Severus Snape’s nose for good luck.
- Accidentally saying Avada Kedavra when you sneeze.
- Calling Blaise Zabini the “Token Black Kid" in your house.
- Going around making friends with the “wrong sort".
- Losing your way and ending up in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.
- Asking people why they’re white.
- Telling Peeves “leave me alone, I’m new here!".
- Feeding the weird creature in your sock drawer.
- Greeting Minerva McGonagall with: “Yo, wassup, nigguh"
“What did ancient Egyptian wizards write on the walls?”
— Hippoglyphs
“What do you call wizarding toilets?”
— Bog Ports.
“Did you hear the one about George Weasley losing his ear?”
— Yeah, nah, neither did he.
(Source: radiobenji, via livebloggingharrypotter)
Top 10 Rejected Pottermore Slogans…
- ‘Click your snitch’
- ‘Jo’s new cash cow’
- ‘Lose your shit’
- ‘Redirecting you never’
- ‘Compatible with Commodore 64’
- ‘Be thankful it’s not Eragon’
- ‘Bitches love Pottermore’
- ‘The death of a generation’
- ‘Pedobears not welcome’
- ‘Tastes like chicken’
“What do cannibals at Hogwarts yell-out?”
— Servusup Snape!
Top 10 Hogwarts Superhero Names
- Peter Pettigrew - Ratticus
- Ginny Weasley - Gangaranga-utuan
- Sirius Black - Fleabag
- Molly - Sick-Bitch
- Remus Lupin - Moon Zapper
- Hermione Granger - Goodie One-Shoe
- James Potter - StagnAnt
- Fleur Delacour - Parlay Voodoo
- Harry Potter - SuperDweeb
- Cho Chang - AsianGirl
Hi, I’m Benji, these are my Harry Potter jokes.
http://radiobenji.tumblr.com/ - my blogI also run livebloggingharrypotter.tumblr.com and dracomalfoyismybitch.tumblr.comI’m going to scour tumblr for some of my old jokes, so some of the early posts will be reblogs but I’m going to write new material as I go along.
Top 10 Surprises In Store For Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
- Hermione will give birth to a squid
- Voldemort has a detachable nose he keeps in his breast pocket
- It was all a dream, Harry will wake up on a beach in Tahiti
- Snape will be revealed as Mickey Mouse in disguise
- Harry will lose his virginity to Ron and Hermione
- Fred and George were once Conjoined-Twins
- Helena Hufflepuff sold the Hufflepuff cup for drug money
- Ollivander stroked his wands for a living
- Molly is pregnant with quintuplets
- Ron will reveal he is really black
(via trakie)
Top 10 Things Overheard At the Harry Potter DH1 World Premiere.
Top 10 Things Overheard At the Harry Potter World Premiere.
- 10. “My wand is stuck in your purse.”
- 9. “Oh look, K-Patz, EGGS AT THE READY!”
- 8. “Will we get to watch the movie on all these big screens?”
- 7. “Expecto Pimplecream!”
- 6. “OMFG, it’s that guy from that thing with the name who played goblin #11 in the first film 10 years ago!!! ARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!”
- 5. “Bitch, Harry’s MINE!” *followed by extreme hair pulling*
- 4. “Marrrrrmmm, pleeeeeaasssee wait in the caaaarrrr!!!”
- 3. “OMG my first pube!”
- 2. The sound of a million seagulls.
- 1. “Those bitches on Tumblr can SUCK IT.”
(via trakie)
Top 10 Ways to Mourn Harry Potter Ending
- Release a bred-in-captivity snake into your neighbourhood.
- Cry while hugging your neighbourhood cat-lady who you call Figgs.
- Paint your body with home-made paint made from Mud and Goat’s blood then howl on a hill by the moonlight.
- Lock yourself in the cupboard under your stairs.
- Set a box of canaries on fire them let them fly free, phoenix, FLY!
- Rename your family after members of the Weasley family.
- Get the entire ‘Tales of Beedle the Bard’ book tattooed on your body.
- Send JK Rowling a single sock in an envelope.
- Ruin your dad’s beer by pouring melted butter in it. If you can’t have any more, neither can he!
- BLOGGING THE SHIT OUT OF TUMBLR
(Source: livebloggingharrypotter)
“How many Malfoys does it take to change a light bulb?”
— 2, one to call the House-Elf, the other to kick it in the head.
Top 10 Signs You’re Obsessed Harry Potter
- You go to sleep counting Hippogriffs instead of sheep
- Every drinking straw, or remote control you grab you pick up and hold like a Wand
- You set your canary on fire to make your own Fawkes
- You call your school janitor Filch
- You always turn to page 394
- You never get nude in front of animals in-case it’s the man who sold-out your parents in animagi form
- Every natural disaster gets you paranoid about Lord Voldemort
- Anytime you pass a midget on the street you hand them a sock
- You deliberately made friends with the tall, skinny ranga at your school
- You call your herpes ‘The Snitch’
(Source: radiobenji, via dracomalfoyismybitch)
Things Overheard When Harry Potter Has Sex…
- Harry: Is it in? - Ginny: That’s my navel, Potter.
- Oh, Ginny! Ginny! Dra…GINNY!
- Lick that snitch, Bitch!
- My wand wants ya, Babeh.
- Hogwarts, Hogwarts, FUCK MY WARTY HOGWARTS!!!
- Accio ejaculatum! EXPELLICUMAS! (repeat)
- Parsel your tongue and slyther it in.
- Dumble my back dore, Bitch!
- There’s a tiny ball of light… IN MY PANTS!
- Oh! Oh! GryffindOH!
- Ride my Thestral, Bitch!
- I love your Hooch, Madame.
- Bend over, I’ll show you a magic trick…
- I’m the top, You’re the long bottom!
- I thought this was Ginny’s bed, sorry Molly… You’re very welcome, Arthur *wink*
- I shaved it into a lightning bolt, just for you…
- Gross, Ginny! It looks like something Hagrid breeds!
- I solemnly swear that I will give you my wood.
- I named it Winky… It’s a tad shy…
- Harry: I think the condom broke - Ginny: That’s my hymen, Potter.
(Source: radiobenji, via dracomalfoyismybitch)
If you stood in front of the Mirror of Erised naked… would it show you wearing clothes???
(Source: radiobenji, via dracomalfoyismybitch)
How the world says* ‘Harry Potter’…
- UK: Hawwy Pottar
- USA: Harrry Potterrrrr
- Canada: Hehrry Pootter
- India: Hari Puhtar
- Middle East: Husny Potah
- Lithuania: Haris Poteris
- African/America: Harry Latifah Putifah Tyrell Jackson
- Russia: Stolytchnia Potar
- Latvia: Harijs Poters
- France: Ha-ree Pottay
- Germany: Herr Potter
- Ireland: Hurry Potato
- New Zealand: Herry Putter
- Australia: Hazza Poofter
(Source: radiobenji, via scarfgurrl-deactivated20130602)
Hogwarts Students… According to the Faculty…
- Harry Potter - The Specky Kid
- Neville Longbottom - The Porky Kid
- Luna Lovegood - The Dippy Bitch
- Hermione Granger - The Smart Arse
- Ron Weasley - Freckled-Faced Fart Machine
- Percy Weasley - The Gay One
- Dean Thomas - Blacky
- Seamus Finnegan - Lucky Charm
- Crabbe/Goyle - Boofhead/Bonehead
- Draco Malfoy - The Albino
(Source: livebloggingharrypotter)
10 Hogwarts Sitcoms to Whet Your Whistle…
- SPELL CHECK - A cop comedy set in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, you betchya, the Arthur Weasley show!
- HALF A TWIN - After graduating from Hogwarts, and before marrying Hermione, Ron moves into the room above Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes and the two brother adjust to life without their brother Fred… in a joke shop.
- TAKE IT OR PEEVES IT - A ghoulish sitcom based around Peeves, set in the past and present, it’ll tell backstory as well as his future exploits post-1998.
- GINGER SNAPES - Severus Snape moves in with the Weasleys. ‘Nuff said.
- LUNA ECLIPSE - Set in the near future, Luna goes on a space mission to find the mysterious Moon Momblies, on the way she meets her future husband. Sort of like Red Dwarf… but far from it. And with magic.
- HAROLD AND MARAUD - Crazy time travelling adventures with the Marauder’s and their map. Harry, Ron and Hermione, in 3rd year, don’t know that Wormtail is evil yet. Perhaps younger Lily and Severus can make appearances too occasionally, especially with the whole alternative universes thing.
- THE DEAF-EATER YEARS - Retirement home for Death Eaters. Been on my mind for about 8 years now.
- HAGGERS & GRAWP - Hagrid attempts to train and integrate Grawp into Hogwarts society.
- THAT’S WHAT FIRENZE ARE FOR - Firenze the Centaur meets a lady Centaur and they move away from Hogwarts to a Wizarding town, there they befriend all sorts of strange folk.
- DRACO MALFOY MD - (DMMD) Draco decides to become a doctor at St. Mungo’s. This is his story. Think Scrubs crossed with House crossed with Seinfeld.
(via dracomalfoyismybitch)
If Hogwarts were a Pirate Ship: The Warty Hog
- Albus Dumbledore: Captain Lemon Drop
- Luna Lovegood: Crazy Bitch Loon
- Ronald Weasley: Ginger Fingers
- Draco Malfoy: Sooky McGee
- Lord Voldemort: Snake Beard
- Neville Longbottom: Long Bottom DeVile
- Minerva McGonagall: Lady Pussytwot
- Rubeus Hagrid: Rabid Haggid
- Harry Potter: Gunpowder Potter
- Dolores Umbridge: Bitchtits Dolly
Hi, I’m Benji, these are my Harry Potter jokes.
http://radiobenji.tumblr.com/ - my blog
I also run livebloggingpotter.tumblr.com and dracomalfoyismybitch.tumblr.com
I’m going to scour tumblr for some of my old jokes, so some of the early posts will be reblogs but I’m going to write new material as I go along.
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