Christmas Jokes

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do elves learn in school?
A. The Elf-abet!

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A PENguin.

Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A. Because it's to far to walk.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Q. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A. On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A. Because it has long-distance runners on each side

Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Cringle.

Q. What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A. We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A. Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q.If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.

Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q. Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A. Because the angel had said,"No L!"

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it " soots " him!

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A. Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.