Can our comedians turn this scene into one of unbridled hilarity? Photograph: Graham Turner
Who's the bane of Santa's life?
The elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate
The elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate
What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery?
'You've got to be Inuit to win you it!'
Alistair McGowan
'You've got to be Inuit to win you it!'
Alistair McGowan
A French Cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three, went for a swimming race round a lake. Who won?
One Two Thee, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque.
Jo Brand
One Two Thee, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque.
Jo Brand
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sir Terry.
Sir Terry who?
How quickly they forget.
Jimmy Tarbuck
Who's there?
Sir Terry.
Sir Terry who?
How quickly they forget.
Jimmy Tarbuck
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one.
Meera Syal
So the barman gives her one.
Meera Syal
I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one canary.
Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait.
Ed Byrne
Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait.
Ed Byrne
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Steve Pemberton, The League Of Gentlemen
He sold his soul to Santa.
Steve Pemberton, The League Of Gentlemen
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They both have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human.
Sharon Horgan
They both have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human.
Sharon Horgan
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
9/11.
Jon Holmes
9/11.
Jon Holmes
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?
Your mum.
Jeremy Dyson, The League Of Gentlemen
Your mum.
Jeremy Dyson, The League Of Gentlemen
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
Shazia Mirza
Poker face.
Shazia Mirza
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.
Sean Hughes
Sean Hughes
Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney?
Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
Alexander Armstrong
Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney?
Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
Alexander Armstrong
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Ben Miller
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Ben Miller
I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I'm in love with her footspa.
Phil Nichol
Phil Nichol
Never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
Sean Lock
Sean Lock
Why has Noddy got a hat with a bell on it?
Because he's a twat.
Ricky Gervais
Because he's a twat.
Ricky Gervais
What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder?
These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought these?
Chris Addison
These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought these?
Chris Addison
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Are you kidding? It's Christmas – he should run a bloody mile.
Stephen K Amos
Are you kidding? It's Christmas – he should run a bloody mile.
Stephen K Amos
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!
Dave Hill
He has Santa claws!
Dave Hill
Why did the atheist cross the road?
So he could see both sides.
Tom Wrigglesworth
So he could see both sides.
Tom Wrigglesworth
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