Dirty jokes
Best of dirty jokes
Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell.
He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.
Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals. Soon enough they get caught.
The leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back.
The first man comes back with ten apples.
The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be set free. If you fail we will eat you."
He only manages to get two in before cringing in pain, and thus he is eaten and sent to heaven.
The second man comes back with ten blueberries and the leader gives him the same task as he gave the first man.
He gets nine blueberries in when all of a sudden he burst out laughing, and so he is eaten and sent to heaven, where he meets the first man again.
The first man is extremely confused and asks his friend, "What happened! you had the easiest fruit, why the hell did you start laughing!"
To which the second man replies, "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"
A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.
"Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested".
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?" She replies, "$20. Same as in town".
A man grew up in a small, tight-knit community, and later became a priest.
Because the church in his small town didn't have need for one, he was forced to move to a bigger city.
On his first day taking confessions, a boy comes in and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. On Monday, I disrespected my father." The priest tells him to say 5 Holy Mary's to atone.
The next person comes in, this time a young lady, and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. This weekend past, I had pre-marital sex with my boyfriend" The father thinks for a minute, and tells her she must say 15 Hail Marys to atone.
This goes on, until one confessor stumps him. A boy, no older than 10 or 11, sits down and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave another boy a blowjob." The priest seeks the advice of the others in his order, asking "What do you give a boy for a blowjob?" To which the other priest replies "Normally, a can of soda and a bag of chips."
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
King Arthur suspects Lancelot of messing with Guinevere, so he puts a guillotine chastity belt on her.
He returns from a war, and has all men in the castle line up and strip. Every one is missing their penis, except Lancelot.
The King falls to his knees, cries, "Lancelot, you are the only true Knight here. What can I do to regain your trust?"
Lancelot replies, "Mppphfggggll."
A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads:
"Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom."
One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.
He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."
She says: "What about the good in bed part?"
He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Two nuns are riding in a horse and carriage.
One of the nuns starts looking around and then at the other nun; and says:
"I've never come this way before"
Second nun smiles and says: "It's the cobblestone streets, dear"
No comments:
Post a Comment