CLEAN JOKES
And Short Stories
Compiled by Don H. Morris
IN AND OUT
Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."
Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.
"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
If you need a hint, that's instinct.
WEDDING BELLS
The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several diffeent peole. All three became engaged at the same tiem, and went home to tell their parents.The oldest daugheter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"
The parents asked, "So who is the lucky feelow?"
"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.
"Wonderful!" The proud parents excliamed. "The Russets are a distinguuished line of potatoes!"
The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."
"And who are you going to marry, dear?"
"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.
"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"
The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"
"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents woanted to know.
His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.
At this the parentss looked at their youngest daugher with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"
STRING
A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.
The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"
The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
THE SECRET BOX
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."
THE PIANO TUNER
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
SIEGE
A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle."We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
THE CONTEST
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
THE LEAF
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages."Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
QUICK THINKING
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
THE CHOICE
An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:
"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."
The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.
The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.
The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.
LITTLE BUNNY FOO-FOO
Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forst, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you THREE chances!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forst, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.
Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you TWO more chances!"
The next day:
Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you ONE more chance!"
The next day:
Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forst, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.
Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Littel Bunny Foo-Foo, I warned you! I gave you three chances, and you didn't behave." She waved her magic wand, and POOF! Little Bunny Foo-Foo turned into a goon.
AND THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
Hare today, goon tomorrow!
(Usually told in song with appropriate hand movements.)
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
Two professional counselors, Richard and Julie, had been ccolleagues for many years. Throughout their careers they had become personally and professionally inseparable.They were excellent psychotherapists, and had extensive experience with clients with a wide range of presenting problems.As time passed, their discussions with each other progressed from the profane to the religious. They speculated about the existence and nature of the afterlife. They promised that wichever of them died first would come back to tell the other:
(1) Whether there is an afterlife; and,
(2) Whether they could practice psychotherapy in heaven.
Richard passed away first. After some time had elapsed, and Julie was well along in grieving over his loss, Richard appeared to her early one morning.
Julie was ecstatic. "Tell me," she cried, "is there an after life, and is psychotherapy practiced in heaven?"
Richard responded, "I have good news, more good news, and bad news! The first good news is: There is an afterlife! The next good news is: Psychotherapy is indeed practiced in heaven. And the bad news is: You see your first client there at 10:00 A.M.!"
MANAGED CARE
Three social workers were sitting in the waiting room outside the pearly gates when St. Peter called the first one up to the desk."So, what have you done to deserve to come in here, my dear?" asked the old gatekeeper.
"Well, I was a psychiatric social worker at the local hospital. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped to save many lives, " she said.
"Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," St. Peter told her.
When asked what she had done to deserve to walk the streets of gold, the second social worker replied, "Well, I was a social worker at the local mental health clinic during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped the team save many lives."
"Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," replied St. Peter.
"Now, tell me what you have done to deserve to sing with the angels," he asked of the third social worker.
"Well, I worked for an insurance company during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and I helped to save the company a lot of money," she beamed.
St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, but then said, "Come right in and enjoy the wonders of heaven. But don't get too comfortable . . . you can only stay for three days!"
YOU CAN"T HAVE ...
An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.This only goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
UPWARD MOBILITY
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
