Stop Fooling Around !

A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes.

The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, "What's the matter with you?"

"Well I received a letter today that said if I didn't stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me."

For heaven's sake, Why don't you just stop fooling around with his wife?"

Came the reply, "I would but he didn't sign his name!!"

Today's Excuse to Drink!

Monday Night:
Wife: Aaj tum daaru peeke aaye ho! Kyun?
Husband: Arre aaj office main foreign clients ke saath meeting thi to peeni padi.

Tuesday Night:
Wife: Aaj tum fir daaru pee ke aaye ho ! Kyun?
Husband: Arre aaj mere ek friend ki engagement thi toh usne party di isliye.

Wednesday Night:
Wife: Aaj bhi tum peeke aaye ho...
Husband: Aaj ek friend ka breakup ho gaya... wo bahut udaas tha toh uska mood fresh karne ke liye...

Thursday Night:
Wife: Aaj fir se... Ab kiska breakup ho gaya?
Husband: Breakup nahi.... Aaj Office mai work load tha... bahut tension thi.... isliye.

Friday Night:
Wife: Aaj kyun?
Husband: Jis friend ki engagement thi na Tuesday ko, Aaj uski shaadi thi... toh khushi ke mauke pe toh peeni banti hai.

Saturday Night:
Wife: hmmm... Ab?
Husband: Aaj purane school friends mil gaye the toh wo disco le gaye aur zabardasti pila di... maine bahut mana bhi kiya par maane nahi...

Sunday Night:
Wife (gusse se): Ab Aaj kya ho gaya?
Husband: AADMI EK DIN BHI APNI MARZI SE NAHI PI SAKTA HAI KYA ???

Confused Pappu!

During Exam...
Madam: Why are you so confused..?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Did you forget your pen...?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Forgot roll no...?

Pappu: *Silent*

Madam: Forgot calculator..?

Pappu: Oye chup kar ja maata..!! Yaha parchi galat subject ki le aya, tujhe pen, pencil ki agg lagi hai..!!!

Falling on Deaf Ears!

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" says the other.

"It's easy! I turn off the light!"

Weak Conscience!

Mulla Nasruddin called on a psychiatrist and told him that he had problems and needed help.

"I want to talk to you," said the Mulla, "because my ethics have not been what they should be and my conscience is bothering me."

"I understand," the psychiatrist said, "and you want me to help you build up a stronger will power, is that it?"

"NO," said Nasruddin, "THAT'S NOT IT. I WANT YOU TO TRY TO WEAKEN MY CONSCIENCE."

Message Delivered!!!

Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

First PITCH !!!

President Obama and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"

So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"

Stop Fooling Around !

A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes.

The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, "What's the matter with you?"

"Well I received a letter today that said if I didn't stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me."

For heaven's sake, Why don't you just stop fooling around with his wife?"

Came the reply, "I would but he didn't sign his name!!"

PE Teacher!

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

"Yes," he replies. "You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.

"It's best I stay here," he says.

"Why's that, sweetie?" asks the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the GOAL KEEPER !"

The Old Typewriter

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

The Puri Family

College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin apna naam likhna tha.

Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.

College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam?

Student: Ji Janak Puri.

College Clerk: Achcha Dadaji ka naam?

Student: Trilok Puri.

College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maa ka naam bhi bata do.

Student: Maya Puri.

College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhaari admission ke liye.

Student: Ji mera bara bhai hai yeh.

College Clerk: Aapka naam?

Bhai: Govind Puri!

Where's the Ladies Room?

It was very crowded and noisy in this Restaurant and this blonde girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.

And he says, "I can't hear you!"

So she gets close to his ear and asks again, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

And he replies, "On the other side!"

So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!"

Celebs and Their Website

Bollywood has always the butt of jokes on social networking sites, Earlier it was twitter jokes and memes, ranging from Alok nath, tiger shroff, alia bhatt, and so on. And now the latest is about celebrity websites. Here are some of the funniest ones we came across...

Shah Rukh Khan:
http://IamAboveEveryone.com
http://kkkkkkkiiraaannn.com
http://iamalsoceleberity.com
http://NarcissistMeMyself.com

Salman Khan made a scandalous confession on Karan Johar's show Koffee with Karan about being single. Hence the jokes are targeted to this status of the Khan.
http://Bachalor.com
VirginBachelor@50.com
http://VIRGINia.com
http://bhaijaan.com
http://Remake.com

Abhishek Bachchan has fewer hits to his name and jokes are being made about his association with the Bachchans and his brand endorsements.
http://www.Ihavenoidea.com
http://www.wellapanti.com
http://AishwaryaKaPati.com
http://AmitabhKaBeta.com
http://JayaBachchanKaBeta.com
http://AaradhyaKaPapa.com

Katrina Kaif has also come under the ire of Twitter jokes. The beautiful actress is made fun of for her association with Salman Khan and her acting talents.
http://SalmanKiMeherbaani.com
http://thegreatnessofsallu.com
http://NoActingOnlySmileNDance.com
http://MujheKoiHindiSikhao.com

Alia Bhatt was criticised for her lack of general knowledge. The actress has experienced several oops moments too. While she has been the butt of jokes in the past, there are some quirky names being suggested for her.
http://iknointernet.com
http://whatiswebsite.com
http://BlackHairedBlonde.com
http://wikibhatt.com
http://Getknowledge.com

The perfectionist Khan of Bollywood, Aamir Khan also has a few gags doing the round. And it is not just Aamir Khan, but even Imran Khan who is being joked about.
One-more-take-pls.com
http://SeriouslyPerfectionist.com
http://Waitingoneyearforamovie.com

Imran Khan
http://ActorBecauseOfMamu.com

How to Outsmart the Jinn...

Ek Pakistani, American aur Indian ek ship mein ja rahe the.

Achaanak ek Jinn aaya aur bola: Samundar mein koi cheez phenko, agar maine dhoondh li to main tumhein maar dunga aur na dhoondh paya to main tumhara Gulam.

Pakistani ne sui phenki. Jinn ne dhoondh li aur use maar diya.

American ne memory card phenk diya lekin Jinn ne vo bhi dhoondh liya aur use bhi maar diya.

Indian ne kuchh phenka...

Ginn ne bohut dhoondha... dhoondh dhoondh ke thak gaya aur leki usko kuch mila nahin. Pareshaan ho kar us ne pucha: Batao mere aaka main haar gaya."

Indian bola: Main bhi tera baap hoon, maine Disprin ki goli phenki thi, chal beta, ghar chal bohut kaam pada hai.

Husband's Note for his Wife

The Fifa World Cup is close by. Let me give you a few rules that will preserve your beauty.

1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.

2. Tell all your friends not to givev birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.

3. No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.

4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them too.

5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in Brazil.

6. You don't just pass infront of the TV if am watching soccer, you better crawl on the floor.

7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?

8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.

9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Professinalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.

10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'Who's that guy?'

11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, India and Pakistan did not qualify, so please no stupid questions.

Thank you

Senior Texting Shortcuts!

Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting. Now seniors have their own texting codes:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

TOT - Texting on Toilet

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Rhyming Couplet

A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the best enteries:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
everything you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila, one part lime !

Market Fluctuations!!!

I was standing in a small queue. There was a laday of Japanese descent in front of me she was there to exchange Yen for Dollars. She was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunad dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunad ninty? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations!"

The Japanese lady said, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Friends Never Change

RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:
Maa: Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
Papa: Beta Kiska Hai.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

RESULT AGAR BURA HO:
Maa: Aag lage is college main.
Papa: Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

NAUKRI LAGNE PAR:
Maa: Apni sehat ka khyal rakhna.
Papa: Khoob Mehnat se kaam karna.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

NAUKRI CHHOOTNE PAR:
Maa: Naukri hi kharab thee.
Papa: Koi baat Nahin, doosri mil jayegi.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

BIRTHDAY PAR:
Maa: Jug jug jiye mera beta.
Papa: Hamesha aage badhe.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

SHAADI PAR:
Maa: Sadaa Sukhi Raho.
Papa: Khush Raho.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PAR:
Maa: Beta Bhool ja usko.
Papa: Mard ban.
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Duniya badal jaati hai par DOST kabhi bhie nahin badalte... Cheers to all.

What is Vicious Circle???

The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."

The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."

The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."

The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."

Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."

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The grandpa calls secretary....