Adult jokes
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year. Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.
Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger
Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys?
A: Steve Nash.
Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!
Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A: Piccassole
Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!
Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass.
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie?
A: She wasn't
Q: What do you call two fat people talking?
A: A heavy discussion.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don't make me cum in there.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls
Q: How do you rape a camel?
A: One hump at a time.
Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs?
A: Cuntswaylow
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
Q: What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hairballs.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
A: He got behind in his work.
Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY
Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.
Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?
A: 2 Bullets
Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without dressing.
Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: youseen memuff
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.
Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What’s the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don’t
Q: What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans in?
A: A white girl's bottom
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your dick is hanging out.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: a fruit roll up. Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
Q: Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children?
A: He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.
Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?
A: Cocksucker!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.
Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn’t last forever.
Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!
Q: Whats black and eats pussy?
A: Cervical cancer!
Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler!
Q: Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A: A white owl says, "hoot, hoot" a black owl says, "who dat, who dat"
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: Why did the Indians come to America first?
A: Because they had reservations.
Q: How did you get a fat chick into bed?
A: A Piece of Cake.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!
Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
A: IHOP!
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was "The Wall"
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom?
A: Society!
Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
A: Single.
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool?
A: Rice Krispies
Q: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin know-it-all!
Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."
Q: What do you call a judge with no balls?
A: Justice Prick
Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
A: Two flies in a bottle.
Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
Q: What do you call lesbian twins?
A: Lick-a-likes.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!
Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!
Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips!
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A: A Fire Cracker!
Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?
A: Tai Nee
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: Whats the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on!
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they’re happy
Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
A: He got himself into a real stew.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."
Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.
Q: Why do Asian girls have small boobs?
A: Because only A's are acceptable
Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying.
Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.
Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!
Q: Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto?
A: Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played!
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother! Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
A: Your mom can't take a joke.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: What do you call a persian that smokes pot?
A: Harry Potter!
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
A: Cumming of Age.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!
Q: What do you call a gangster hobbit?
A: YOLO SWAGGINS
Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common?
A: They both need a hoe to stay in business.
Q: How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game?
A: Call B52
Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A: The NBA.
Q: What is the most common crime in China?
A: Identity Fraud.
Q: What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A: Seizure Salad
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
A: So you know if you're cumming or going
Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Shoot him in the face!
Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
A: A urination.
Q: What's the best part of gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist?
A: Rai Ping Yu
Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster?
A: She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus! A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN! If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.
Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls
Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?
A: He was charged with battery.
Q: How do you eat a squirrel?
A: You spread its little legs.
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